bullyfreeME ~ Part 2
Written by: Scott Graham
kids4kidsleadership.com
When a child deals with a bully they often hear the same stock answers: Walk away; ignore it or tell a teacher or trusted adult. These strategies sometime work, but children need more. What do you do if a bully follows you? What happens if you cannot ignore a bully’s taunts? What do you do if you tell and you still find yourself alone on the playground dealing with the bully?
First, children need to understand why bullies do what they do. People bully others for a variety of reasons: 1) The bully gets bullied at home and repeats the learned behavior 2) The bully receives power and attention or 3) It distracts others from their personal flaws.
The biggest reward a bully receives is their victim’s reaction. If you freak out, start to cry, show fear, tease or fight back the bully receives their reward; your reaction. Here are a few steps to take that will help you deliver a strong, confident message. After all, the best defense against a bully is confidence.
STEP # 1 - Make Eye Contact
Before you tell the bully how you feel about their actions, you must look the bully directly in the eye. Making eye contact with a bully is important as it shows confidence. If you look at your shoes when talking or have not made eye contact, your message is weak and ineffective. Look the bully in the eye.
STEP # 2 - Body Language
Your body can convey a strong message depending on how you stand and what you do with it. You must stand straight with your shoulders back in order to convey a strong, believable message. If your shoulders are curled and your hands are in your pockets you may be delivering a message that empowers the bully. To understand how body language conveys information, think about how someone would know that you are angry, happy, confident or shy. How would your body look? What would your face look like? What would your hands be doing? Crossing your arms across your chest may convey anger. Putting your hands in your pocket may be interpreted as insecurity. Be aware of the messages your body is delivering.
STEP # 3 - Tell the Bully How You Feel
It is extremely important for you to tell the bully how you feel about what they are saying or doing. You must also use your body language to show you are confident in who you are. You must look the bully in the eye and deliver the message that you WILL NOT stand for put-downs of any kind. You need to look this person in the eye and use a tone of voice that is believable. You do not need to yell. Instead, use an assertive tone. By doing this you are delivering the message that you are confident and believe in what you are saying. You are saying that you are not afraid nor are you interested in sticking around to waste your time listening to such nonsense. You are showing tremendous courage! You need to tell the bully how you feel in order to remain in control and retain your self-esteem. In no way should you feel as if the bully has won, because it is you who is the winner. After you have stood up to the bully, WALK AWAY. Do not give the bully an opportunity to tease you again. Walking away after you have told the bully how you feel is more affective than just walking away.
One of the common mistakes people make is using too many words when directing a message to a bully. You could look the bully in the eye and immediately walk away or look the bully in the eye and say, "WHATEVER." You do not have to deliver a speech on why you are upset. It may be more effective to say as little as possible. Less can be more.
STEP # 4 - Walk Away
There is nothing wrong with walking away as long as you have asserted yourself first. A bully may try to get you back in front of him so that he can tease you some more, however after you have said what you need to you should walk away and keep going. Don't fall for the bully's tricks. They would like nothing more than for you to come back so they can have another chance to get you to react. You do not want to get sucked back into playing the bully's game. To get you to come back they may shoot words at you like: "loser," "wimp," "chicken." Do not go back and react to their comments. It is a trick to get you back so they can dig for the reaction they are looking for. Do not be afraid that your peers will believe what the bully is saying about you. The people who matter in your life know who you are and are not likely to believe a bully.
STEP # 5 - If They Follow You?
I am sure you have heard the line - "Just walk away if someone is bothering you." There is only one problem with this response: bullies have legs and probably will follow you! If they follow you remember not to react. Look at them in the eye, use a tone of voice that commands respect and repeat steps 1 and 2. Repeat your message as many times as it takes until the bully realizes that they will not get a reaction from you. You can say, "I guess you didn't hear me the first time. Let me repeat it for you. I do not like what you're doing and I will not waste my time listening to you. Good-bye."
When you walk away this time walk toward a "safety zone:" a teacher or another helpful adult, your friends or the school. Bullies are not usually as brave as they are pretending to be. If they think they may get in trouble, they will be long gone.
You may have to repeat these steps for a while until the bullies get the message. They will eventually get the message and when they do you will know that you handled this negative situation in a positive way. You may have even helped someone else learn the proper way of handling a bully.
In my next article I will discuss the Tattletale Syndrome and Strength in Numbers.
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